Penis holding - An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted. "To get straight to the point,I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity,but I was wondering if you would help me." "Of course," she smiled. "I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while." The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence,and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis. One day,the woman went to the bench,but the man was not there.Feeling hurt,she looked around for him. To her amazement,she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis! "What does SHE have that I dont?" She screeched. He looked up at her and smiled. "Parkinsons," he replied.
Rude Nusery Rhymes! - Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the kings horses and all the kings men Said fuck him! - he's only an egg! Little boy blew Hey! He needed the money!
The camping trip - Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed. So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful." James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day." Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?" "Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto - One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said, - "Buffalo Come!" And the Lone Ranger said, "How do you know Tonto?" Tonto replied, - "Ear stuck to ground..."
The Perfect Gift! - A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage. "This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate. "He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter." The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful. "That's fantastic," said the customer. "And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing. Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem. "Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!" When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic." He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen." He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World. "Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"
Three breasted hooker - There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says. "Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life. The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting. But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".
When I get out..... - A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"
Bud the stud! - How can you compare a Budweiser to making love in a canoe? It's fucking close to water!